okay.....well, I'm going to skip any due introductions and get right to what I want to talk about tonight. My life has taken some interesting twists and turns over time, and all of them have led me to where I am, and who I am, and what I believe and care about and hold dear. But they have also led to an email I had to write tonight, turning down a job across the country, closer to family....a job that I would have loved to have been able to take, working as an assistant for a professional reining horse trainer, exercising horses, going to shows, living the life.
But I am living my life. The job would've entailed a substantial decrease in income, and I'm still paying down on some of the hard lessons I have learned with the help of the state. I have 5 horses of my own, and wouldn't have been able to take any of them with me. I could have sold several of them, as quickly as possible, for whatever I could get, and for the first time ever, this seemed, momentarily to me, like a route I would be willing to take. But there are a couple I just couldn't bring myself to part with. One is a 2 yo grandson of Reminic, named Nic, who will be ready to start his training this summer. I have been anticipating his start for the past year. Another is my paint stud that I have owned for over 9 years. I have two more that I would have been willing to lease out to a prospective owner, however begrudgingly, as my blood, sweat and tears have been invested in their care and training. And the last is a really cute colt that I have been working with for some time and intend to sell as a near to finished horse, God willing.
And so, part of me knows and accepts that this is my life, I love it, and enjoy it to the best of my ability on any given day.
But still, part of me was very wistful as I hit the send button on this regretful email.
If I had been one of those smart kids who did as I was told, made plans, went to college, behaved myself, took advice, knuckled down back then the way I do now, I may have taken a job like this 10 years ago.
But I was never a kid that could learn from the mistakes of others. I chose to learn many of life's lessons the hard way. And as much as I try these days to trust God's judgement, to pay attention to the signs that are often given, however subtly, in the hours before making an important decision, I can't help but be slightly fearful that what my heart desires might never be realised.
So tonight, in a matter of seconds, I managed to look back, assess, analyze, and judge all of the decisions that led me to the one I made tonight.
I know, intellectually, that this process of analyzing and judging myself is completely and totally pointless and more than often fruitless.
It's hard to have faith in tomorrow when I'm looking back.
My Mom has always said, "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were pots and pans, there'd be no use for tinkers." I've never thoroughly analyzed the meaning of this until just now, when I noticed how many of them there are in my preceding paragraphs. Maybe it means that if "ifs" and "buts" were USEFUL, then there be no use for anyone to have faith in a higher power, a God, a Supreme Being, something great and awesome out there that has a plan, and a method, and is ready and willing and available for those that seek It. Because IF only I could rewrite my life, IF only I could play God--even just for myself and my own selfish intents and purposes--then I wouldn't be here today, writing this to no one in particular, and I might not recognize the value of the lessons I have learned, or the value of my self as a human being with something valuable to contribute to our world...... I might not see how precious this present moment is.... or be able to see past yesterday at all... and ultimately, I would forget to be grateful for all the gifts and blessings that truly are so frequent in my life, even when I don't recognize them.
We all get where we're going eventually, but who's to cast predictions.... Maybe it's not so much the outcome that counts, but how we value the days getting there.
I love you, Mom.
